That Stupid Vending Machine
by Jak Cooper the Lombax
Summary: Collection of Short Stories started by the infamous vending machine in the movie. Have fun and remember to read and review, you lovely people.
1. Story 1

So, of those of you who have come here after seeing the email in your in box and are probably wondering, "WHERE AND WHEN THE HECK DID JAK COOPER THE LOMBAX KNOW ABOUT OVER THE HEDGE!?" Well, believe it or not, but RJ led me to Sly Cooper... Yeah. Over the Hedge led me to Sly Cooper which in turn also had Hot Shots Golf or Everybody's Golf 4 led me to Jak and Daxter and Ratchet and Clank... Talk about a serious fate decision.

So, let me explain how Over the Hedge ultimately led me to Sly Cooper. I saw the movie back in... I think either the year it came out on DVD or sometime after, and then I came across the game, and on the back of Hot Shots Golf 3 game manual... was an ad for Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus. I'll bet if any of you have the Hot Shots Golf 3 video game along with the manual, I'll bet that there is a Thievius Raccoonus ad on the very back cover of it. So, where I had known one small thieving raccoon that I would play as in the Over the Hedge game because RJ was my favorite character, it led me to another famous thieving raccoon character. And let me say something I've always wanted to say. I HAVE NO REGRETS!

So, there was one day, I had Hot Shots Golf 3 and Over the Hedge next to me, I had just put the Over the Hedge game disk in my slim PS2, and I had opened up the Hot Shots Golf 3 and pulled the manual out to fill in the space of the time it took for Over the Hedge game to load up, and I had glanced at the Sly Cooper ad, and at first I shrugged it off, but when I got into the game and started playing as RJ... Something in my head clicked. I started thinking up crazy fan fictions of RJ belonging to the family of the Thievius Raccoonus, and at that time I had no idea that the Thievius Raccoonus was a book and not a name of a family, and this was like I think ten years ago now, I started thinking about the name Sly Cooper, but after a while, it simply faded back into obscurity.

Until around October of 2012. My mom started asking me about Ratchet and Clank, and she contacted her brother to try and get Ratchet and Clank, but when he went to Game Stop, I'm taking a wild guess that my uncle either didn't look hard enough or that the Game Stop he went to just didn't have the Ratchet and Clank games I guess since it was the tenth anniversary of R & C, so he got Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy and Jak II. My uncle actually assigned Jak 1 and 2 to my brother, but he actually fell into the category of the "Casual" on Jak and Daxter, but I fell into the "OHMEGERSH! I LOVE THIS GAME! I'M GONNA PLAY IT UNTIL THIS PS2 BREAKS OR JUST CAN'T READ ANY OF THE SEQUELS!" Turns out I actually did that to our 7000 series and we only had the 9000 series PS2 for a while until my dad found a fat PS2 of the 5000 model down at a rummage place for a buck. A US dollar. A FREAKING DOLLAR FOR A OLDER MODEL OF THE PLAYSTATION 2!? And he paid... I think a hundred or hundred fifty for the 9000 and the 7000 was from when he was in college.

So, along with getting Jak 1 and 2 I did get Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando and I think I finished that in the summer of 2014 along with The Precursor Legacy, while I had finished Jak 2 in January, on Normal Mode and I had no idea how hard Hero Mode was gonna be, so, that summer, I played nothing but Jak II and Going Commando along with Tomb Raider Legend wth Jak 3 and Jak X and the rest of the Ratchet and Clank games on PS2 and Sly 1, 2, and 3 on my wish list (Along with I think Okami and Shadow of the Colossus) and on my birthday I got Jak 3 and Jak X, I finished Jak 3 in two days and Jak X a few days after that with my insane driving skills, and that Christmas, I got the rest of the Ratchet and Clank games along with Sly 3, beat all of them, got Sly 1 and Sly 2 on my birthday of 2014 and I got I think Shadow of the Colossus and Thrillville that Christmas along with my tablet... And then February 2015 I came here.

So that's portion of my life story wth the story of how I came to be a Jak. Ratchet and Sly Cooper fan, and ultimately Jak Cooper the Lombax. And Over the Hedge and Hot Shots Golf 3 and 4 did that. So, There's my back story for those who either just simply clicked on this or if you've known me eversince Felis Lombaxus or Nights of Paris since those are the two most famous fictions I've written.

Alright. I've yacked on and on now and this author's note is getting WAAAAAAAY too long. On with this story!

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 **Disclaimer: Over the Hedge is owned by Dreamworks and the comic strips are owned by Michael Fry and T Lewis**

* * *

Really quick note and I'll shut up and tell the story. Takes place around a few weeks after the movie takes place.

* * *

 _Clink...Clink...Clink..._

 _Beep... Beep.._

 _Whhiiii-Thunk!_

"You've got to be... What?" A small raccoon groaned as the vending machine seemed to tease him with refusing to drop the small bag of delicious bite sized cookies. The small raccoon growled as he shoved his paw into the nearby golf bag and threw a boomerang out and still digging through, ducked his head as the boomerang came back and hit a nearby brick wall.

Finding the small golf club, the raccoon went back over to the vending machine and knocked on the glass to only have the bag move a fraction.

"Oh, come on..." The raccoon sighed just before his stomach gave out a growl and frustrating the raccoon, he started hitting the glass over and over with the golf club, but the vending machine must simply not agree with raccoons hitting it with a golf club and let the bag simply sit where it was.

"STUPID HUMAN TECHNOLOGY!" The raccoon growled as he started kicking the vending machine until he shouted out in pain and started hopping on his good foot and nursing his wound. The raccoon gave a angered glare at the vending machine as he picked up his golf club and struck the glass as hard as he could.

The glass didn't even seem to get a single scratch after the club made a clear thunk on the glass.

"... " The raccoon simply stood in front of the machine with the club over his head and his lower lip stuck out like a human child about to burst into tears.

"DO YOU JUST HATE ME!? IS THAT IT!? DO YOU JUST HATE ME, RJ THE RACCOON!?" RJ shouted at the silent machine with his fur bristled out in fury. After a few moments of silence, a voice stated,

"Yes, RJ, I do hate you."

"Verne...Really?" The stated turtle came out of the shadows with a grin on his face as RJ slumped his shoulders at Verne.

"Just trying to get a laugh or a smile on your face." Verne stated as he leaned against the vending machine and thumped his shell against the metal, which resulted in the bag falling down and RJ reaching in the machine and opening up the bag at Hammy speed.

"I swear that this thing either hates me, or raccoons in general." The raccoon stated just before he started cramming food into his mouth as if he hadn't eaten in a week.

"I think it just hates you." The raccoon stopped to glare at the turtle for a total of twenty seconds before he went back to finishing his snack. Verne gave a small sigh as he turned around and started walking back to the hedge family, but stopped and let RJ shove the almost empty bag into his golf bag and catch up to the turtle.

"I know I've repeated this over and over, but it's nice to-"

"Verne... I get what you're trying to say. I know you want me to stay with you and I'll say it again in Stupid Language. I. Is. Staying. With. You. Family." RJ gave a smile as he preformed Dumb Sign Language with every word he said to the turtle to get his answer as clear as possible since dropping his golf bag and being the center of the group hug seemed to take forever getting through Verne's shell thick skull.

"I know, I just get a feeling that you're gonna leave or just disappear when you sling that golf bag over your shoulder and go either through or over the hedge." The turtle stated his worries to the newest member of the hedge family... If that was what they were going to be called now...

"Verne... Do I have to repeat it until my fur falls off?"

"No. I get it. You're staying." RJ gave a yawn as he mindlessly lifted his gaze up to the lazy moon and it's fellow neighbors up in the dark sky.

"This is a pretty good night for-"

"Don't you dare say heist. I'm too bushed for a heist this late."

"I wasn't going to say heist."

"Good."

"I was going to say to go and borrow a few movies from a human."

"That's it! Get out of my family!"

"The other's are going to vote on that!"

"Nope. My word is final now. Get out!"

"Aw, come on Verne! I saved you from VermTech!"

"After YOU left us to VermTech!"

"And I saved you!"

"With a giant angry bear on your tail!"

"And we got him sent to the Rocky Mountains!"

"And you blew up a human's yard!"

"It was Sharp's back yard. She had it coming with those traps."

"Yeah... But still!"

"Verne! Quit being so slow and say it."

"Say what?"

"You know what!" RJ smiled at the turtle after their argument was almost finished if Verne would say the sentence the raccoon wanted to hear.

"I think you're insane."

"Nope. You're going cold blooded buddy."

"I'm happy that you're in this family?"

"You're getting warm."

"You're crazy?"

"Nope. Cold again."

"... I give up."

"Ah, come on! Don't be this slow!"

"Turtle's are naturally slow!"

"You're not! You're a pretty fast turtle in your case."

"I swear I'm gonna crack my shell over your head if you don't act so sly."

"Still cold."

"You're the best person ever?"

"That's a good complement, but no."

"What are you wanting me to say!?"

"I never want you to leave, RJ. That's what I wanted to hear." Verne preformed a triple take as he heard RJ say something not completely selfish but just a bit selfish... well maybe...

"Why do you make thing's so difficult!"

RJ simply laughed as the two stepped through the hedge to find all being as quite as it was when the raccoon left some time earlier.

"You know you-"

"The tree's fine, Verne. And my back should be." RJ interrupted the turtle to state his still uneasiness of sleeping on the forest floor.

"I'm just stating that you could be a bit warmer in the night than just sleeping up in that tree through the start of spring, all summer, and at the first few days of fall before we go into hibernation, and I have no clue how much you sleep in the log then."

"About a week total."

Verne gave a worried look at the raccoon as if RJ should have been frozen solid years ago.

"Raccoons get winter coats." RJ sighed as he started climbing up the tree he usually slept in as Verne retreated into his shell just outside the log.

 _"Something tells me RJ's gotten into much more trouble than he's stated."_

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So... Yeah.

See you guys later and take a complementary cookie. I'm serious. Take the cookie before Hammy gets it.

 _ **~Jak Cooper the Lombax**_


	2. Story 2

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Dreamworks owns the movie and Micheal Fry and T Lewis own the comic strips.**

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Takes place during the early summer after the movie.

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 _Clink... Clink_

 _Beep... Beep_

 _Whiiii-THUMP!_

"Wait... What?" RJ stared dumbfounded as the bag of potato chips actually fell to the door. It didn't usually get stuck on the glass or anything. It just... fell down... as if it wanted to be opened up and be eaten out of. The raccoon pulled the bag out and examined every possible angle on it.

"How?...What?" RJ didn't know to either growl in anger slash confusion or just walk away as if nothing ever happened. A fat rain drop hit the ground quickly followed by another that broke RJ's state of confusion and a flash of lightning sent the raccoon back to the hedge family as fast as he could run on all fours.

 _"I think the log might be a good place tonight ."_

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"Verne... My piano's gone and fallen in the lake to ride the train tracks over the mountains to get eaten by a fly." Hammy mumbled in his sleep as RJ entered the log soaked to the very bone. The raccoon shivered as he almost compared the log for a bear's cave.

 _"No. He's gone. He's never coming back."_ RJ thought just as thunder quietly roared over in the mildly angry skies. The raccoon gave a small groan as the weight of his fur reminded him of accidently falling into the Frankard's pool as the family came home earlier than usual while the hedge family had just barely gotten to the other side of the hedge with the loot just as the children cannonballed into the pool to have their parents find it and their kids smelling like wet raccoon.

"RJ. Since when did you go to sleep soakin' wet?"

RJ nearly lost his fur as Stella somehow appeared behind him almost unfazed as the raccoon jumped up and spun around to face the skunk who's eyes were halfway covered by white fur.

"I... I..."

Stella sighed as she watched the raccoon stutter and picked out a thick towel someone, either Hammy or Verne, snagged from someone's house and gave it to RJ.

"Sleep on it if ya have to." RJ simply nodded as he wrapped the towel around his shoulders and lied down as close to the side of the log as possible.

"Stella?"

"Nothin' Tiger. Just helpin' Raccoon Boy over there." The Persian cat purred as his flower curled up beside him as the bucket sized rain drops continued to make a impossible beat to follow on the top of the log with only those unable to sleep or just starting to drift off to hear it's soothing beat.

* * *

... Uhh... Alrighty then. I have no idea where that last half came from.

Hey! I made some more cookies! *Offers plate* Hurry up and get 'em before Hammy get's another sugar rush from last time.

 _ **~Jak Cooper the Lombax**_


End file.
